


falling for you

by littlesoul



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Connor Deserves Happiness, Everybody Lives/Nobody Dies, F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Sorry Not Sorry, Suicide Attempt, evan has a crush on connor instead of zoe, he still has his shit tho, i'll add trigger warnings everytime, jared is lowkey evan's mom, lots of projecting, more fluff than angst dont worry, soft connor, wrote this in math class
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-11
Updated: 2018-09-05
Packaged: 2019-04-21 14:00:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14286456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlesoul/pseuds/littlesoul
Summary: In which Evan had a crush on Connor instead of Zoe.





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> yes i know i have the other one.  
> but i like this idea better than the other one so um

He pressed print and heard the printer doing its printer thing. Evan shut his laptop after finishing his letter off. He slipped it into his bag and got up to retrieve his paper. What he hadn’t accounted for was another person being directly behind him when he got up. “Oh! Um, s-sorry.” Evan hadn’t looked up to see who it was. Instead, he made a move to grab his paper from the printer. Panic set in when he didn’t see it. Before deciding it hadn’t printed, he noticed it in the person’s hands. 

This forced him to look up at their face. “Evan, right? I just wanted to say sorry about earlier. That was really- really pretty shitty.” Connor? Evan tried to keep himself from getting flustered. “No! It’s um. It’s okay. But y-you have my pa-paper so can-” Connor cut him off. “So um. How’d you break your arm?” 

Evan pulled at the loose threads of his shirt. “I-I fell out of a tree.” Connor stared at him for a moment like he couldn’t believe it. “Fell out of a tree? Well, that is the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard, oh my god.” Connor laughed weird, kind of forced. Evan looked away and responded with a small smile.

Connor rubbed the back of his neck. “Um. No one’s...signed your cast.” the taller teen pointed at the glaring white, empty cast. “No, I know..” Evan felt tempted to just grab his letter and leave. “Well, I’ll sign it.” Evan looked from Connor to his cast. “You- you don’t have to..” 

This interaction was going on far too long. Discomfort was creeping up on Evan and he nervously shifted his weight from foot to foot. “Do you have a sharpie?” Connor extended his empty hand. Wanting this to be over with, Evan scrambled to check his pocket. He got one from his mom this morning. Rushing, he jabbed it forward. 

Connor took the casted-arm a bit roughly, and Evan gave a small ‘ow’. He glanced over to scan Evan’s face for a moment before signing in large, thin letters that covered the whole cast. “Now we can both pretend we have a friend.” He said this bitterly and laughed slightly. “Um, ac-actually you-you have my paper so..” Connor looked back before down at the paper. 

“Wait no! Don’t read it it’s completely-” 

Connor’s eyes moved across the paper. His eyes stopped on one part and widened. “What the fuck? Why’s my fucking name on this?” Connor’s eyes showed hostility and just pure anger. Evan could feel the pit in his stomach weigh down. “N-no! It’s- it’s not li-like that!” Evan scrambled to find the right words. To find the words that would make everything okay and to stop Connor from looking at him like that. 

“Oh yeah, sure I get it. You fucking printed this out ‘cause you knew I was in the room and that’d I’d fucking freak out!” Evan took a step forward. “Nonono! I’m not like that!” Connor clenched his fist around the paper, crumpling it. “Fucking have fun telling everyone Murphy had another freak-out!” Connor turned around and began walking. Or speed-walking. 

“Co-Connor! Please! Wa-wait let-let me explain!” Evan regretted his choices. All of them. But at this point, “no regerts”. He reached out and took Connor’s sleeve in his hand. Connor noticed and immediately tried pulling away. “Please.” Evan murmured. 

The taller teen huffed and stared Evan down. His gaze flickered over to Evan’s eyes and he stopped walking. “Fine, you have a minute to explain yourself.” Connor stood in front of Evan, hand still clenching the paper. Evan sighed and picked at his cast. “I-I just. That was a um. A-an assign-assignment for m-my thera-therapist.” A silence passed between them. “It’s supposed to be. A let-letter to myself about h-how ‘today’s going to be a good day and here’s why’ but today-today hasn’t been good.”

Connor uncrumpled the paper and looked over it again. He reread it this time and looked back down at Evan. “I should just give up on this crush?” His tone was kind of incredulous. 

Oh. Oh shitohshitohshit

Evan’s cheeks flared up. “What do you mean by- oh.” Connor folded the paper up and pushed it into Evan’s hands. His thoughts raced, jumping to every conclusion. “Evan, do you..have a crush on me?” Unlike Evan had feared, he didn’t sound pissed off or annoyed. Just confused. Evan couldn’t speak. His mouth was dry and his hands were sweaty and he was clutching onto his shirt like it was a lifeline. Hoping to avoid his gaze, Evan stared down at his shoes.

“Yeah. Sorry.” 

His eyes were already cloudy and he shoved the letter into his pocket. Before Connor could respond, Evan turned tail and ran.


	2. two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> short chapter,, sorry.  
> im gonna take a nap now, but a new chapter will be worked on right after!!

Before either of them could process what was happening fully, Connor shot out his hand and grasped Evan’s cast-free wrist. “Fuck- don’t run, we should talk about this.” He gestured to himself and the boy before him. Evan wiped at his eyes before looking back at Connor. 

A silence passed between them, before Evan spoke up. “L-look I know wh-where this is going. So um. Can y-you just re-reject me and then we can jus-just forget this happ-” Connor raised an eyebrow. “Who says I’m going to reject you?” The boy in front of him stiffened. “Wh-what?” 

Hoping to stall for time to think a little more, Connor tugged Evan’s wrist. “Let’s go to my car.” Evan took in a breath before nodding. “Okay.” Connor began to lead Evan to the student parking lot. “What’d you mean by that?” Evan said quietly. “What do you think? I’m giving you a chance here, Hansen.” 

At this point, the silence might’ve actually killed Connor. When he looked back at him, Evan looked deep in thought. “Oh! Um, wow. Can we just-just take a st-step back? It just see-seems like this is go-going kind of too fast? Sorry.” Evan was looking down at his hands, his face dusted with pink. Cute. 

Connor nodded.”Yeah, sure. That’s not a bad idea.”


	3. three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i almost forgot to put this up.  
> im not sure how i feel about it? it feels like filler, but they're getting to know each other so um

The truck pulled into a bare parking lot, the whole place seemed really vacant. Evan wasn’t too sure how they’d ended up at the orchard at 2pm, but they were here now. “This is my favorite place.” Connor unlocked the doors and they hopped out before he locked it again. 

Evan waited. Connor gestured for him to follow. “So, um. Wh-why’d you take me he-here?” He waited for the taller teen’s response. The only sounds were birds and their footsteps along the rock path. “I’d just.” Pause. 

“I’d rather talk to you when I’m somewhere where I’m like, actually comfortable. Y’know?” Evan nodded. He wasn’t sure if Connor even saw, but whatever. Another uncomfortable silence passed. So much for talking comfortably. “Here, come on.” Connor went to lean against a tree. Evan sat next to him. 

“I’m just gonna say this now, why do you even like me? I’m not exactly the most likeable person. Gotta tell you, I’m a walking disaster.” Connor’s eyebrows were furrowed. Evan panicked momentarily. Truth is, he’d always just had the crush on Connor since freshman year. He was just so pretty. Angelic, if he wanted to get sappy. They worked on a english project together. 

That was what started it, actually. Connor treated Evan nice, and the whole time Evan couldn’t think straight. “Oh-um. I’ve just k-kind of al-always did? Sinc-since freshman ye-year. We had a pro-project together and you-you were really pre-pretty and like, you were also really um. Nice to me.” Evan clutched his shirt. “It’s probably we-weird. But you just seem-seemed more real. N-not fake, like mo-most people.” The silence was stressing him out now. 

The boy next to him let out a small sigh. “That’s kind of sweet. But I wouldn’t be good for you. Haven’t you heard all those fucking rumors about me?” More questions, Evan thought. “Well yeah. But tha-that’s all th-they are. Rumors.” Evan glanced over and smiled slightly. “I’ll just-I should tell you what you’re getting yourself into.” Connor mumbled. 

“Most of those rumors about me are probably true. I just don’t want you ending up hurt.” Connor admitted. Evan wasn’t sure how to respond to that. So he just stayed silent and pulled his knees to his chest. Birds chirping and rustling in the tree branches kept Evan distracted. So did the scenery. The apple trees stretched out around them, and a little farther was an open field. It was framed with the trees, and looked beautiful. 

“So-sorry. It um, g-got kind of aw-awkward. Let’s ta-talk about some-something else.”

“Tell me about yourself?” Connor spoke up again. The way he said it was weird, like he was asking a question. “Um, I li-like trees? A lot. I’m um, sort of a tree ex-expert now, I mean- not to brag.” Evan felt Connor move next to him. “Dude, seriously? You have to tell me some tree nerd facts now.” Connor said this through a chuckle that made Evan’s heart flutter. 

“Oh- um okay! Some trees can actually uh, emit chemicals to attract predators that kill leaf-eating insects! They’re actually a natural stress reducer for humans too, because of a chemical they give off called phytoncides. They even help with lowering crime rates in neighborhoods!” Evan said all this pretty happily. 

Connor just watched him, amused. “Go on, tree-boy.” Evan nodded and went back to it.  
“There was a study done that showed older and larger trees shared their nutrients with smaller trees. Once the tree develops more, they actually repay the tree that helped them. There’s a type of tree called the Sandbox Tree that’s covered in poisonous spikes and produces exploding fruit.” 

Evan paused, and realized how long he’d been talking. His face heated up and he looked away. “S-sorry, I talked a lot. Yo-you could’ve st-stopped me.” Connor looked over, his head tilted. “Why? You seemed happy talking about that stuff. I would totally just lay here forever listening to you talk about trees.” Evan was extremely happy to hear that. He felt really nice about it now, kind of fuzzy. 

“You-um. Can y-you tell-tell me about yourself?” Evan asked, carefully. The other teen nodded kind of slowly. “There’s not much to tell that you don’t already know.” Connor moved to rub his neck. “But I’m into reading and art.” Evan moved closer to look at him better. “Yeah, I kind draw a bit. It’s not that great, but it’s something.” 

“D-do you have li-like a ske-sketchbook?” Connor nodded. “Yeah, it’s actually right here.” He reached over to the messenger bag to his side. Evan hadn’t even realized it was there and was thoroughly confused to see it. Since he’d be more confused and probably have a small crisis, he stopped worrying about it. Connor turned back. Evan tried to ignore their thighs pressed together. 

Now’s not the time, gay thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some lyrics from a song called "i should tell you" inspired some of their dialogue.  
> "I should tell you, I'm disaster  
> I forget how to begin it"
> 
> (sources for the snazzy tree facts dude
> 
> http://www.kickassfacts.com/25-kickass-interesting-facts-trees/  
> https://www.mnn.com/earth-matters/wilderness-resources/blogs/facts-about-trees )


	4. four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry,,kinda short.  
> next one will be longer?  
> this wasn't getting anywhere and when i drag things on for too long they get kinda bad

“You painted me in pastels,  
Colors that don’t tell of any boldness  
Cuz that’s the way you love to see me,”

The soft music that had lulled them to sleep had now woken them up. Or at least one of them. Connor shifted and grasped for a blanket. To his surprise, he just dug his hand into dirt. The song brought him back to earlier. Evan had made a playlist on Connor’s spotify. In front of him was the sleeping boy.

In his sleep, Evan was much more peaceful. When he was awake he was constantly fidgeting and looked stressed. Connor smiled slightly at the sight, then checked the time.7:35. School was already out and Evan would probably panic over this later. He gently (or the closest Connor could even get to gentle-) shook Evan’s shoulder. This roused a groan from the blonde and he pushed away Connor’s hand.

“Evan, wake up.”

Another groan. This time, Evan looked over. His eyes widened for a moment before he looked away. “Co-connor?” He paused, and yawned. “What ti-time is i-it?” Connor watched him sit up and rub his eyes sleepily. “7:36. I can drive you home, if you wanna leave right now.”

Evan nodded. “Ye-yeah I sho-should get home.” Connor stood up a little too fast, his head pounded when he got up. He reached a hand down to Evan, who merely looked at it, confused. “Oh!” He squeaked and took the outstretched hand

 

»»——————>

 

A car up ahead in the driveway was not something Evan was expecting. Heidi was supposed to be home at 9 tonight. Dread flooded him, and he clutched his shirt. “Ev? You okay? You don’t look so great.” Connor pulled into the driveway next to his mom’s car. “Um. Can- canyougoinwithme?” Evan blurted out. Connor looked at him weird, his head tilted. “What?”

“C-can you-you g-go with me?I just- my mom might fr-freak out? Since I’m ba-back kin-kinda late..so ma-maybe if-if she saw you sh-” Connor cut him off. “Look, I get it. Just shut up, you don’t need to explain yourself.” His tone made Evan flinch back. He sounded irritated and Evan immediately felt shitty. “Oh-okay. Sorry.”

That was barely a murmur. What had he done to annoy Connor? Everything had seemed to be going good. Oh god, what if Connor hated him now? Evan glanced over again.

Evan quickly grabbed his bag and hopped out of the truck. Connor followed him out, his messenger bag slung across his front. He followed the taller teen to the door and noticed the light on inside. Evan let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding and opened the door.

“Evan! Where the hell were you? You weren't home earlier." Heidi was still wearing scrubs. She stood in front of the two, looking over Connor. Her tone and expression changed once she saw him. It’s not everyday your socially-inept son brought home someone new.

Her expression brightened, and anything that happened earlier was long forgotten. “Are you Evan’s friend? Heidi Hansen, nice to meet you.” She extended her hand for a handshake. Connor took it tentatively. “Yeah, and Connor. Connor Murphy.” She was practically beaming. “Would you like to stay for dinner? I can make something real quick.”

Connor glanced over at Evan, who was just as confused. He shrugged, and watched the scene play out. “Sure, thanks.” Heidi just seemed so happy. She clapped her hands together and turned away. “You boys can go ahead, I’ll get everything together.”  
Evan led Connor towards his room upstairs.

 

<——————««

 

Connor had already ruined whatever it was he and Evan had so far. Not that it was going amazing or anything. Somehow, he’d already managed to do something shitty to him twice. With a huff, Connor dropped his bag next to Evan’s and sat next to him on the bed. “Look, I’m um. Sorry about earlier. I shouldn’t have snapped at you.”

“N-no! It’s okay. I was an-annoying you.” Connor furrowed his brow and sounded confused. “It’s not okay, though. After that, you’ve been all tense around me! Don’t act like I don’t notice that shit.” Connor saw Evan flinch and look at him cautiously. He couldn’t take it back. Connor felt like such an asshole after saying that.

“Um. Connor, it-it’s really okay. J-just please c-calm down?” Evan scooted the tiniest bit closer. “It’s not that easy.” Evan looked down into his lap. “Sorry.” Confusion defused his annoyance just a little. “Why would you be sorry?” The silence was nearly deafening. “I’m just. I think I’m being a-annoying? And-and I’m sorry about it.” Connor didn’t have a response to that.

“Boys, dinner’s ready!”

»»——————>


	5. five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a great/terrible day of bonding for the bois

Jared opened his locker and looked over his shoulder. “So you’re telling me, Connor Murphy, known druggie and future school shooter, was at _your_ house?” Evan nodded slowly. “Y-yes?” A hand was placed on his shoulder. “Oh my god, did he touch you?” He narrowed his eyes. “Did you do... _the drugs_?” Evan’s eyes widened. “What-no! It’s n-not li-like-” He was pulled face first into a shoulder. 

 

“You poor, poor baby. He’s forcing you into silence.” Jared faked a sob and stroked Evan’s hair. “Kleinman! What gay shit are you doing now?” Evan pulled his face up to look over Jared’s shoulder to see Connor standing, arms crossed. Unable to speak, he waved his free hand a little. Connor waved back slightly. 

 

“Just making sure my dear  _ family friend  _ wasn’t tainted by your..” Jared paused and looked Connor up and down. “Freakish ways.” Connor bristled at the insult. Evan was somehow pulled in closer and he let out a breath. “Dude you’re choking him, let go.” 

 

The tightness around Evan’s chest loosened and he took in some much needed air. “What do you want anyways,  _ Murphy _ ?” Jared said incredulously. “Maybe I just wanted to greet Evan, but guess not. See you in English, Ev.” Evan detected a bit of held-back irritation in Connor’s voice and tried to make himself believe that it was only caused by Jared. 

 

Suddenly, Evan was shoved away from Jared’s grip. He stumbled forward, arms extended. “Go on, chase after your future hubby.” Evan’s face burned in embarrassment. “He-he’s not m-my- whatever!” He nearly yelled this out before racing after the retreating Murphy. “Connor? Wa-wait up!” 

 

The boy in question turned slightly. “Evan?” Evan raced after, unable to keep up to Connor. “Wh-what happened b-back there?” 

 

“What do you mean?” Connor shoved his hands into his sweatshirt pockets, and stopped to turn around. “You were.” Evan stopped to think of his words carefully. He didn’t want to set off Connor..again. “You we-were really..you se-seemed  _ rea-really  _ annoyed back there. W-with Jared.” Connor ran a hand through his hair. 

 

Connor let out a sigh. “Kleinman just annoys me. I don’t usually like being around him too long, riles me up, y’know?” Evan sorta got it. Not totally, but partially. “Wanna walk together?” Connor gestured off to the distance with his head. “Oh! Yea-yeah, of course.” Connor waited for Evan to catch up and tapped his foot slightly. 

  
  


»»————>

  
  


Connor slid into his seat and dropped his notebook on the desk. “So tell me. What’s the deal with you and Jared?” Evan sat down next to him. “I-oh. We’re just fa-family frie-friends. As he likes to say.” Connor tilted his head. “What exactly does that mean?” 

 

“Our m-moms kn-knew each other in c-college, so we’re ob-obligated to b-be friends. And he always says h-he only talks t-to me or-or his pa-parents won’t pay his..stupid ca-car insurance. We’re not  _ really  _ friends.” Connor wrung his hands together. “That’s stupid. For the record, I think you’re pretty great.” Connor felt his heart swell at Evan’s cheeks burning red. “Um! Tha-thank you!” 

 

Connor flips his notebook to a page at the end. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Evan watching curiously. He sketched a little picture of Evan’s face, who was attempting to look over Connor’s shoulder. 

 

Evan then suddenly jumped back when clicking heels trailed over to their desks. “ _ Mr. Murphy. _ ” The current teacher, he couldn’t remember her name, clicked her tongue and let out an exasperated sigh. “You need to pay attention, have you even started writing the introduction for your goals this year?”  _ Who assigns that stuff on the second day of school?  _

 

_ “ _ Uh, no?” Connor bit back a snarky comment on her singling him out. “Since you appear to have more free time than everyone else, I expect yours to be turned in by tomorrow.” She stalked away, her heels clicking on the ugly, beige-toned tiles. “Sorry..” The honey blonde next to him murmured. 

 

“Don’t be. It’s not like I’m gonna do it anyways.” Connor rested his chin on the palm of his hand, staring out the window. He felt eyes watching him and jerked around to peer around the classroom. Instantly, a handful of students darted their eyes away. They were probably expecting him to lose it and just be completely pissed for getting called out in class. Maybe throw a printer, for good measure. The old story of him going crazy in second grade and hitting Mrs. G still followed Connor around like a ghost. 

 

He shouldn’t be trashed all the time because of a mistake he made when he was  _ eight,  _ though _. _ The thought still made his blood boil. The sound of pencil going across his paper snapped him out of the little daze he was in. Connor got defensive and shot his head up to look at the person.

 

Evan looked back at him with wide eyes, and a pencil in hand. 

 

**are you ok?**

 

Connor tapped his pencil against the paper a few times before writing.  _ no.  _ Connor was not the type to bottle up his emotions. He often let them out, whether he wanted to or not. And more often than not, something either ended up broken or someone wound up hurt. And the usuals for that were often lockers, walls, and anything glasslike. 

 

Evan looked over Connor’s face for a few moments, concern evident on his gentle features.  **oh. im sorry. can i do anything to help?**

 

_ not really. just be here?  _ Evan read the small note and nodded, looking at Connor in a way no one had before. Connor smiled slightly, making sure to look away. He flipped up his hoodie before shoving his face into his arms, in a poor attempt of hiding it away. 

  
  


<—————««

  
  


The bell rung, signalling the end of 8th period. Evan’s classmates instantly shot out of their desks, bags sloppily hung over their shoulders. He followed suit and headed toward his locker. Someone in a black hoodie sat slumped against his locker. “Connor?” 

 

He glanced over and waved. “Hey. I can drive you home, we just gotta wait a few minutes for Zoe.” Evan nodded and walked over to where Connor stood. “Can I um. G-grab stu-stuff from my-” Connor moved to the next locker over. “Thanks.” Evan opened the shabby door and shoved in some books he didn’t need. “Bye!” A distant voice called. Evan shut the door and noticed Zoe walking over, case in one hand. 

 

“Come on, let’s go.” Connor started walking in the opposite direction, still looking tense. Evan could hear her footsteps trailing behind them. Connor held the door open for Evan silently. “Thank you.” Evan murmured as he passed by. “Connor, what are you doing? Didn’t you shove him yesterday?” Zoe yelled in an attempt at a hushed voice. “Yeah, well I actually apologized.” Evan climbed into the front seat next to Connor.

 

“What?  _ You  _ apologized? Yeah, right.” Zoe scoffed. “Fuck, why can’t you people just accept that someone actually likes me for once?” She slammed her door after shoving her guitar case into the back seat. 

 

“I don’t know, maybe because you’re kinda psychotic? You pushed him to the ground when you first met him!” Evan hated hearing them yell at each other. “Oh yeah, sure, psychotic. I hope you remember  _ I’m  _ the one driving you home. I can just leave you.” Evan let out a huff. “C-can you g-guys...stop?” He heard Zoe make a small noise. “ _ Butt out, Hansen. _ ” Connor hissed next to him.

 

“So much for finding someone that actually likes you  _ now _ .” Zoe said softly, barely heard by either. Connor suddenly jerked the truck forward, throwing Zoe into the back of Evan’s seat. “ _ Connor! Seriously?”  _ Connor’s knuckles went white from gripping the wheel too tightly. “Get the  _ fuck  _ out of my car, Zoe.” From the rearview mirror, Evan could see her fearful, wide-eyed expression. “I-I’m not scared of you-” 

 

Connor’s cold glare from the mirror certainly changed her reaction. “ _ Get out _ .” Evan gulped, and moved to leave, too. “Did I tell  **you** to get out?” Connor said, surprisingly lower and weaker in tone. Zoe had already gotten out, and from where Evan could see, was now calling someone to pick her up. 

 

The truck started up again, and Connor pulled out of the student parking lot. Contrary to what Evan believed, they weren’t headed to his house. He noticed the familiar route.  _ The orchard?  _ Questions swam in Evan’s head. Some he would never dare to ask either of the Murphy siblings.  _ Why is your relationship so messed up? Why do you call Connor ‘psychotic’? Why do you want to keep me around?  _

 

His mixed feelings and questions made Evan space out for a moment. Before he knew it, they made it to the old apple orchard. But Connor made no move to get out. Warily, Evan looked over. The sight was unexpected and he didn’t know what to do. Connor was bent over the steering wheel, his head in his arms. The faint sound of his breathing was muffled slightly. “Con? Wh-what’s..what was that?” 

 

Connor didn’t lift his head. “Oh yeah, forgot to tell you. That happens almost every time we fucking interact.” His voice sounded worn from all the yelling. Evan was a little too scared to ask anything else. “You should’ve believed me when I said I wouldn’t be good for you. You see what I did to Zoe? She’s so…” Connor’s voice cracked slightly. 

 

“I ruined her, Ev! She fucking flinches when I talk louder or get pissed and  _ god  _ it’s all my fault.” The brunette leaned back, hands tangled in his hair. He pulled at the curls and cursed at himself when angry tears fell down his cheeks. “Con-Connor, please. Yo-you’ll hurt y-yourself..” Evan reached over and gently pushed Connor’s hands away. “Does it even matter?” 

 

The sobs grew and it made Evan’s heart ache. He awkwardly reached over the empty bottles stuffed into the cupholders to wrap his arms around Connor. “You c-can still fix thi-things with h-her. It n-never real-really is too l-late.” He tried his best to sound reassuring over his stutter. Connor’s face pressed into Evan’s neck and he let Evan gently stroke his dark hair. 

 

While Connor was still shaking, he had stopped crying and he gradually started hugging Evan back. Eventually, he pulled away and hid his eyes. “If you tell anyone about that, you’re dead.” Connor mumbled as he wiped away his last tears. Evan gave him a small smile. “I won’t s-say a w-word.” 

 

“You really think I could fix things with her?” Connor asked, his voice was very worn and strained. Evan nodded. “J-just g-give it some t-time. Try app-approaching her so-sometimes?” Connor made a small hum in response. “Okay..I’ll try. No promises on it working, though.” Evan noticed his small attempt at being light-hearted, and gave a small chuckle. 

 

“You ready to go home?” Evan nodded again. “Yeah, please.” 

  
  


»»————-—>

 

As they approached the empty driveway, Connor let out a sigh. “Can I stay the night?” Evan didn’t respond at first, as if he were considering it. “Ye-yes. Of co-course you can.” Connor had to fix his sibling relationship, but not today. He locked the doors after Evan shut his door. He stood awkwardly as Evan unlocked the door. It was only 5:40 yet Connor felt so drained. “A-are you hungry? Mom left s-some mo-money for takeout.” 

 

“No.” He simply pulled off his heavy boots and left them in the corner of the living room. Tired, Connor slumped in the Hansen’s couch and let out a yawn. He felt the couch sink in next to him. “You’re gonna sleep?” Evan questioned quietly. Connor let himself slump against Evan’s shoulder, yawning again. “Mhm.” 

 

Evan felt warm against Connor and he sighed, letting his eyes shut. Underneath his head, he felt Evan shudder. Unconsciously, Connor murmured a few words. “It’s okay, you can stay.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  



	6. six

On Thursday, Connor woke up with a heavy weight on his chest. It was just an unexplainable awful feeling; the kind he’d been stuck with for weeks at a time sometimes. “Connor, get up!” Zoe yelled into his door-less room. He thought about yelling back at her to fuck off, but decided against it. Reluctantly, he threw his legs over his bed. After looking over the pile of clothes on his floor, he plucked a black sweater up and pulled it over his head. 

_ You can still fix things with her.  _ The events of Tuesday were still fresh in his mind. How Evan had actually tried to help him. It was so odd to get that from someone- especially someone he had so recently met. Thinking of Evan, his thoughts strayed away. How had he forgotten how they met?  _ Evan has a crush on me.  _ They’d only been talking for maybe four days. His crush had probably gone away by now, seeing as he knows who Connor really is by now. Connor secretly hoped Evan stopped liking him. Not that he didn’t like Evan- but they just didn’t work that way. “Connor!” Zoe yelled up the stairs.

Connor wasn’t sure if he was lying to himself about this. Pushing the thought aside, he pulled his boots on and trudged downstairs.  _ Fix things..  _ The Evan in his mind was persistent. Okay, he really is going crazy at this point.  _ I need a smoke.  _ Connor groaned and nearly sprinted out to his truck. Right now, he couldn’t handle talking to Larry or his mom. He climbed into the front seat in a bit of a haze. Everything felt fuzzy until he heard the doors behind him shut.

“Sorry.” Connor murmured as turned the corner. “What?” Zoe’s tone was guarded, as if she was closing herself off. He winced, knowing it was probably him that caused that. “I-I said I’m sorry. For blowing up at you and-and kicking you out.” She didn’t respond for a while. “Why are you doing this? You never apologize, you’ve never cared about that.” While yes, he was trying, it doesn’t mean he wasn’t bristling right now. 

“Maybe I’m actually trying right now.” After saying that, he pulled into the parking lot and she swiftly jumped out and scrambled off into the school. 

Hoping to rid himself of the anger, Connor reached over to the glove box and pulled out a plastic bag. Connor waited until all the students were inside before flicking his lighter, and pressing the rolled up joint to his lips. For a tiny moment, he wondered how Evan would feel about this.  _ It doesn’t matter, does it?  _ Connor almost chuckled, before pushing away any thoughts of the anxious blonde. For now, he needs to clear his head. With the assistance of his favorite crutch.

  
  


»»———>

 

**evcorn(3:25pm):** Con I didn’t see you today? 

 

**evcorn(3:27pm):** I was just worried sorry to bother you

 

**connie(3:30pm):** yeah, i didnt go today. sorry bout that

 

**connie(3:30pm):** ill make it up tho,wanna go out?

 

**evcorn(3:32pm):** okay!! 

 

**connie(3:33pm):** great, ill pick u up in a few minutes

Evan let out a sigh of relief, knowing Connor was alright. He left his mom a text telling her not to worry when she got back at 3. Staying true to his text, a few knocks were at the door. Evan took in a deep breath before going to greet his...friend? Were they considered friends now? He opened the door to a messy looking Murphy. “Connor? Are-are you o-okay?” He nodded promptly before turning away slightly. “I know this great ice cream place, we can go there?” Connor had completely dodged the question. 

Evan brushed it off and smiled up at him. 

“Yeah, sure.” 

When Evan stepped into the passenger seat, he was hit with a disgusting scent, partially covered by a floral air freshener. “Um, wh-what’s that smell?” Connor let out a breath. “I got high off my ass earlier, I guess the smell just stuck. Is that a problem?” Connor sounded slightly offended. “N-no! It’s not m-my place to te-tell you what to do. Um-you do you?” The drive for the most part was quiet.

“I’m not anymore. High, I mean.” 

“Okay.” 

The boy beside him sighed and reached over to turn some random music station on. Neither knew the songs playing but were grateful for the white noise. Evan stared out the window, trees and houses were blurred slightly. He tried to ignore Connor’s glances at him. A tiny part of him stressed over Connor not looking at the road. “Con, if s-something’s wrong, yo-you can tell me.”

“It’s nothing.”

“Connor! I-I can tell it’s not nothing.”

“Fine! I did what you said I should, and apologized to Zoe. She got pissed at me, big surprise!” Evan was only slightly taken aback, part of him did expect Connor to react badly. “I-I’m sorry.” Connor’s grip on the wheel loosened. “It’s not your fault. You shouldn’t have to deal with this.”

“You can’t e-expect th-things to be immediate. Things like this-they take time.” Connor let out a sigh. “I guess.” When Evan looked back over, they had been parked in front of a small shop with A Lá Mode in neon lights blinking over the window. Evan followed Connor inside and noted the retro design of the little shop. “It’s nice! I-oh. Um. I actually for-forgot my wa-wallet so-” Evan panicked both internally and externally. Connor hushed him almost as soon as Evan started speaking. “It’s okay, I’ll pay for you. What flavor?” Evan almost protested, but gave in. “I’ll j-just ha-have the s-same as you.” The taller boy nodded and turned to the worker waiting. “Two cookie doughs, one in a waffle cone, Evan, do you want a waffle cone, too?”

“Sure.” 

“Then two cookie doughs in waffle cones, please.” Evan watched Connor push the money over the counter and the lady take it and count it quickly. She handed them the cones, also giving them a tired smile. “Thanks.” Connor lead them to a small booth in the back of the shop. “Do you like it?” Evan smiled. “Ye-yeah! Th-thanks for buying m-me one.” The ice cream really was good.

“They make it in the shop, that’s why it’s so great.” He said this before pausing to bite the cone. “My mom used to take me and Zoe here all the time, it was great.” His face darkened briefly. Evan could only assume they stopped going once Connor started getting worse. “Oh. That um. That sounds really nice, actually.” Connor hummed, looking away to  the window next to them.

Evan wished they could talk about the stupid crush thing. Whenever they talked it just felt awkward, like something had wedged its way between them.  _ I wish he didn't find out. If we’d started out differently things would be so much easier.   _

He also wished he hadn't noticed how Connor's face was framed perfectly with his hair. His eyes shone from the light outside. Evan hadn't noticed the brown spot in Connor's right eye before. For some reason it was just absolutely  _ beautiful  _ to him. “Evan? Is uh, something wrong?” Oh god, he got caught staring at Connor's stupid beautiful face.

Evan’s face burned in embarrassment and he instantly looked away. “N-nope! Everything is a-okay!” Connor laughed and tilted his head. “What?” Needless to say, the situation was awkward but to be expected. Connor seemingly noticed they both finished and spoke up again. “Wanna get out of here?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yikes ive been gone for an unreasonable amount of time :C.   
> my anxiety's been kind of bad recently and uh? you probably know how that goes.   
> im just not sure where im going with this story and its kinda frustrating.


	7. Update?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yikes

I'll be putting this fanfiction on hold for now,,because I kinda just know I won't be able to write for a while. My mental health is getting really bad and I wanna wait until I'm better to finish up this story. I'm really really sorry. I thought I was getting better?? But not anymore. But I promise I'll try my best to feel better soon. thanks for reading


	8. oops.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> guess who's coming back soon. 
> 
> (trigger warning? i mention my previous thoughts of self harming, im not sure if itll trigger someone but i wanna be a safe space. be careful, loves.)

(so i published another chapter but now I'm rewriting it bcuz i forgot to write some things)

 

Hey!! Guess who's almost back? Okay. I should clarify, this is the last update in this work for a very specific reason buUUUTT you need to keep reading to find out what I mean. 

A couple months ago I said I needed a break. So far, I think it's helped. Right now I'm trying to focus on school, but I'm still writing. But this time, it feels more like a hobby, more fun, maybe. When I was writing before, I didn't enjoy writing most of it. It felt so forced and rushed whenever I published another chapter because I knew I was taking too long to write and stressing myself out trying to both keep up with my mental health and forcing myself to write when I didn't want to. 

Now it's different, I guess. I started writing another fic, which felt much different than this one. Not to say I dont like this one, but I found more freedom in the other. 

 

 

**tw, right here.**

 

 

tl;dr , writing without giving myself breaks and forcing myself to write when im anxious and thinking of hurting myself is  **not** good at all. and i feel a little bit stupid for taking so long to realize that but it helped me in the long run.

 

**ok!! Nothing else.**

 

i just needed help realizing that i needed to be kinder to myself. It's still harder than I'd like to admit. Both of my works will return in October, around the 10th to 15th. And on a better and more hopeful note, I'm rewriting this work with actual plans this time. 

This will stay up since I dont feel a need to take it down. I just need to get a few things together. Thank you for the patience, even if I wasn't gone too long. (It felt like an eternity) 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> yeah he finds out the first chapter  
> sorry i couldnt help myself
> 
> the letter!   
> Dear Evan Hansen,   
> Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?  
> I know, because there’s Connor, and all my hope is pinned on Connor, who I don’t even know and who probably hates me.   
> I should just give up on this crush. There’s no way it can get worse than this.   
> Because, let’s face it, there’s no hope here. 
> 
> Sincerely,   
> Your best and most dearest friend,   
> me


End file.
